An Aging Jeep

I drive a jeep.  Actually, the letters on the hood spell out J E _ P.  An “E” fell off; there is a yellow place where the E used to reside.  So technically I drive a “Jep” - an old one.  Old cars have brittle parts.  I drive slowly so nothing breaks.  Drive with care and spare a repair is my motto.

However, expensive things are starting to go wrong.  The ease of transport between home and destination is becoming a thing of the past?  The “Jep” needs several repairs but the situation is a victim of faulty mathematics.  The numbers don’t ad up because there is not a big enough number in my bank account to match the number on the repair bill.  I have few prospects.   A frustrating account of my vehicular mechanical problems follows.

One of the valves that keeps the coolant from leaking out of the cooling system is dripping badly.  This seal happens to be positioned above the transmission.  In order to service that valve it takes seven hours to remove the transmission and then reinstall it after said valve servicing.  That's about a $420 undertaking.  I don't even have $20 to put to the cause.   So coolant leaks, sometimes a lot.  I’m vigilant but I don’t trust the cooling system enough to drive to work.  The “Jep” is in good enough shape to take Joey to school or to go to the grocery store.  These are all close runs and I know the coolant won’t leak completely away.   The engine wont burn up.

That said coolant isn’t cheep.   Money, money, money is always the issue.  So when will it be more cost effective to pay for the repair instead of pouring coolant and money into the radiator?  I’m not sure but I’ll know when I reach the point.  Anyway, it’s irrelevant.  I have eight bucks for coolant.  I don’t have $500 for the repair.

The A/C doesn’t work.  It needs refrigerant I guess.  I’ll get that taken care of when I have a spare $100.  The heater works but the fan motor emits a shrill noise.  It’s always a battle between my stressed ears and the need to keep warm.   So I turn it on then off then on again.

There's a big problem with the front end.  If I hit a bump and the jeep is moving 50 mph or faster, the right front wheel develops a powerful shimmy.  This is an overwhelming shutter that feels like the wheel might break off.  The only way to get the front end to simmer down is to stop.  That can be a problem in the middle of traffic on the Interstate.

A less lethal problem is the driver's door.  The inside door handle no longer works.   That means I have to roll down the window and press the exterior opener to exit the “Jep.”  Sometimes this doesn't work.   I guess the angle of my thumb on the outside opener does not allow the latch to disengage.   If I weren't such a fat ass I could crawl over the floor shift and escape through the passenger door.  There are days when I have to wait for a neighbor to notice my predicament.   

A three year old toddled by the last time this happened.  Unfortunately, he couldn't reach the door handle to open it.  With a promise to bring his mommy back to relieve my problem, he disappeared into his house.  That was the last I saw of him.  Little boys and their mommies are too busy exploring the world and therefore not very reliable.

So I waited a little longer.  A big friendly dog trotted past and was curious enough to jump up and rest his front paws on the door.  I could tell he was confused.  Why was this human sitting in his vehicle?  It was obvious the dog knew enough about humans to know that vehicles usually roll away when people are inside them.  I patted him with a reassuring touch.  He trotted off after slobbering immensely on the door.

Now I began to panic because I had to pee and I was hungry.  Desperation dictated daring action, like crawling out the driver’s window.  This meant my back was resting on the sill of the door window as I was shoving my heels into the seat.  I felt like a turd, a jeep turd, and the “jep” was terribly constipated.  When my midriff was finally positioned on the door I had reached the point of no return.  Relief finally arrived; the miserable human was evacuated like so much flabby excrement.  My head and shoulder crashed onto the pavement followed by my ample ass.  It wasn't pretty and it hurt - but I was out.  I won’t do that again.  Hope the “Jep” has hemorrhoids.

The “Jep” doesn’t go on long excursions anymore.  If I had a mechanical break down and couldn’t open the door I might be stuck for a long time.  I would be in peril of becoming a part of the habitat - a landmark on the shoulder of a road.  No money and a cell phone rendered useless by insufficient bars for reception could do this.  Local residents might start including me in there directions.  I can hear it now. . .

Drive a mile down route 59 past the 

sad fart in his broken-down jeep. 

Turn right at the next drive.

The lesson to this missive is simple; make enough money to at least repair this wretched jeep.  It would be nice to buy a newer car.  With that in mind I have decided to raffle the “Jep” off and with it my cares.  I’ll sell $5 tickets.  People owning no car might jump at the chance to buy a clunker for five dollars.  When I collect enough proceeds for a down payment on a better car I’ll draw a raffle ticket from a can.  Some other poor schmuck can take ownership and deal with this ailing jeep.  I hope they have long enough arms to open the door.