The Nefarious Case of the Bitter Jug
Or      
Why She Sits Naked On My Lap When I Eat Cookies and Milk

It is beautiful, a woman’s ability to reproduce a new human and to feed that little person at her breast.  No matter how you explain what life is or why we are here or what we are supposed to do while we are hear – bringing a fellow human into the world is both awful and awesome.

I have children.  Karin, their mother, insisted on having natural child birth (we had midwives) and to breastfeed them.  It is terrifying, wonderful and a little weird to witness the arrival of these miniature humans.  I mean, really, as a whole the human race is a goofy looking affair.  We have long gangling arms and legs connected to a torso.  High performance organs have to function as a team to keep the human body operating smoothly.  And we sit on our ass where reproduction and defecation occur within a few inches proximity.  That causes some wild exploration, but I digress.  Our head has multiple holes for hearing, for tasting, for smelling and for seeing.  We are absolutely sentient and completely dependent on the information we glean from these holes.  From birth this "awakening" requires proper nourishment.

Even if our posture is perfect and we learn to be decent humans, if we go to college and become great thinkers - still the basic daily achievement is feeding the body. We nourish the machine so that great things can happen or great obstacles can be overcome.  If we don’t eat we can't concentrate on Face Book or pay attention to the movie on our laptop.  What better way to learn to nurture oneself than at mommy's bosom, which is the subject of this missive.

Oh, the art, the poetry, the addictions, the obsessions, the loneliness, the exalted giddiness, and grandiose orgasms that have been caused by a woman's bosom.  However, for an infant the bosom is a life-line, literally the center of the universe.  Mommy’s boobies are the best!  Just take them away from baby and witness the reaction.

To come right down to it, babies become connoisseurs.  They know how to make the boobies produce what they need.  Infants also know that the tandem milk factories that comprise mommy's bosom do not produce an equal product with equal tastes.  These nuances cause some babies to favor feeding from only one breast.  People have likes and dislikes even at this early age.  Some naturally lean to the left breast, others to the right.  Question - if preference is for the left breast will baby grow up to be liberal, or conservative if baby likes the booby on the right?  What about the biblical twins, Esau and Jacob.  The story says two nations (Israel and Arabia) were warring in Rebekah’s belly.  Those babies were punching each other out inside their mother.  But, the fight was about who was going to feed from which booby.  That’s right, booby protocol is the source of all conflict in the middle-east.  What a news flash!

Could it be that one breast is bitter and one is sweet?  Maybe one is chocolate and the other vanilla (a little variety please) .  Probably not.  If an infant will only feed on the left breast, then what does mommy do with all that milk waiting to be expressed from the right.  Nothing?  Nothing can't happen!  It causes discomfort and pain, or worse yet, mastitis (very painful).  If baby will not feed from that booby then something has to be done.  DADDY CAN FIX THIS!

Daddy is a different kind of connoisseur.  He sees mommy's bosom in a way that can grant sweet relief for mommy and daddy.  Like baby, daddy loves to have mommy's bosom in his face.  He can't wait to taste that precious nectar the baby connoisseur is refusing (well, some daddies J).  Can this be a sweet prelude to a hot night of love making?  Daddy must go slowly and carefully.  Mommy may be too tired.  Even if she is in discomfort, the thought of a Daddy at her breast might be truly repugnant.  Nipples are raw from feeding and sore. 

I always ask for cookies - it's an American tradition - eat a cookie and suck a neglected breast dry.  Just think for a moment; Oreos and a mouth full of breast milk.  If Mommy is watching Daddy eat cookies at her breast, this might produce enough comic relief to help her forget overworked nipples.  As Daddy is sucking her forlorn breast, Mommy might be so grateful that she is willing to sit naked on his lap.  Well, I ask mommy to strip and sit on my lap with her breasts in my face.  Stimulating?  Yes!  A lusty reawakening?  Affirmative!

Sexual energy, long depleted by sleep deprivation and fatigue, may suddenly reappear.  Mommy's breasts are so much bigger with the new "arrival" and her hips (because of constant nursing) are reemerging from the fat of the recent pregnancy.  Thoughts of spawning and reproduction creep back into the imagination.  If daddy truly understands the pressures put upon mommy's tender parts, mommy may bring daddy closer into the realm of intimacy and cause sexual pleasure to reappear.

Of course, with breast feeding mommy does not ovulate - usually.  If cookies and milk do lead to a wondrous renewal of sex there are no worries about producing another little connoisseur.  Daddy is less frustrated by the constant pressure of baby on the boobies.  Mommy feels desirable.  The bed is reclaimed by lovers and for a very shot time emancipated from a totally dependent little human.